Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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