I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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