Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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