I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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