we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
