I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
