My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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