Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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