She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize