I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
