I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
