Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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