Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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