I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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