Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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