if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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