my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
