I need help removing her.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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