When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
