U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
