do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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