hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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