if only i could text you this smell
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
