I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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