well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
