Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
