he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
