god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
