Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
