Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
