I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
