Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
