That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
