I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
