All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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