What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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