i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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