just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
