Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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