so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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