I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize