running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
