i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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