every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
