What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
