Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
