Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize