I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
