Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
