Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's blow job season.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
