ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
