I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
