omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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