It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
