She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
