the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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