you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
