ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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