When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
