does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
