Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
