1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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